Bombay the hard way

Depart London: Oct. 13th 12:00
Arrive Mumbai (Bombay): Oct. 14th 2400
warp speed ahead into the belly of Bombay!!!!!
speeding cab from airport....no head lights....waTCH OUT FOR THAT DOG!! arrive in colaBA, mumbai....sea shore motel...hallo hallo mr. mr. you looking for sea shell "yep" you loking for hash "nope" ok 4th floor "thanks". awaken man sleeping on table in loby to show us our room...not bad at all for 450 rp a night and look, out the window, the Gate Way To India!! awake 10 am local time...slightly jet-lagging. all hotel staff crowded into room next to us watching India vs. Australia cricket test match. I'm invited in and attempt to follow as they attempt to explain the rules....how long do these matches last? finally get up the nerve to leave the hotel with radka in tow. hallo mr. you like ballon? great toy for small child! "no thanks" hallo mr. mr. you like roasted nuts ( as he carries a huge tray of roasting nuts on head) "no, that's allright" hallo mr. mr. hallo. (attempts to tie string around my arm) "sorry, no rupees" no, no, no. i am holly man. is ok! "ok, but no rupees" is ok! (smudges red dot on to forehead while chanting in hindi) eat these..very sweet and sacred "no rupees" is ok is ok. (against better judgement eat the white crunchy sweet things just placed into hand. Ok.. you give donation! "i said no rupees" ok...tomorrow? "hahaha...uh yeah tomorrow" Ok..how many hours? grab radka (fresh with head marking and bracelet of her own and leg it. cross street...constant flow of trafic..beep beep beep...look left first...beep beep beep. hallo mr. mr. mr. "no thanks" find church gate station and somehow among sleeping dogs and families, find tourist ticket counter. no sir not this counter, you must cross road. (we cross road) no sir, upstairs 2nd floor. (we go upstairs 2nd floor) no sir downstairs to the left, window 28. (ok...window 28..look! white folks! must be tourist counter) secure ticket out chaos central!!! depart for goa tomorrow night 11:00 pm! now must eat. food on every corner. all looks good but unidentifiable. eeny meeny miney moe. sit here mr. what are you liking? "uhmm...this one." yum tasty. "excuse me mr. and where are you coming from," she says smiling brighly wraped in her equally bright sari. (is she selling something? bombay will make you scared to even look at someone for fear they will attach themselves to you in sales pitch that doesn't end quickly) "uhh..California." "AAAHHH Yes! AMEREICA! And which movie stars are you having seen personally?" "uh..arnold schwartzenager?" "Ptuh! no good!" "yeah tell me about it...and who are you liking," I enquire, suddenly likeing my new friend. "oh you know i like the american pictures, pretty woman, officer and a gentelman, full monty." "we saw Hrthik Roshan at the airport!" i tell her, "he was on our plane" "Ptuh! Blue eyed pretty boy! Bombay films all the same! She is crying one moment then next scene she is dancing around singing again. same story in and out...all shit...excuse my language...have a good day..bye bye." Classic. somehow navigate the mele back to our humble room and crash out, letting the jet lag dissolve. so far mother india is living up to her reputation.